From skwigg's journal:
I realized that weight doesn't enter into my food decisions anymore. It kind of blew my mind, because weight drove every food decision for decades. It was the only thing that mattered, "How will this affect my weight?" And it wasn't just the food itself. Nutrition properties determined the food I chose, which would then determine my moral character and my weight: low-fat, low-carb, high-fiber, number of calories, grams of protein, net carbs, servings per meal, refeeds, fasting windows. It was all very complex!
Yesterday, it dawned on me that I wasn't thinking about any of that when I made my choices. It was questions like: How hungry am I? What flavors and textures are appealing? What will satisfy? How do I want to feel after I eat? For example, I briefly considered Panda Express as a dinner option but didn't want the greasy fast food feeling (sometimes I very much do!). I ended up making a veggie omelet with sharp cheddar and sriracha sauce, and then having a piece of leftover chocolate cream pie. That was exactly what I wanted. Hot, melty cheese, spicy, veggie textures, then cool, sweet, chocolaty pie. I thought about including an english muffin with the omelet, but then I'd have likely been too full for pie. Nothing about calories or carbs though, no moral quandaries regarding good/bad foods, no consideration for what one choice or another would do to my weight in the morning, because I don't get on the scale.
Wow! I can see how much things have changed. It's definitely a more satisfying and less stressful way to eat.
While eating dinner tonight, I was pondering my weight situation or lack thereof. When I was dieting, every food decision was driven by, “How will this affect my weight?” The funny thing is, I had no idea! I’d just make up a story of virtue or doom and whap myself with it. I often got the story backwards. Hard, frequent exercise did not result weight loss. It resulted in an increased appetite and water retention. Eating mostly chicken and lettuce wasn’t the ticket to weight loss either. It would lead to overconsuming “allowed” foods or bingey lapses when I felt hungry and deprived. Things I feared, like cheese, salt, and chicken skin weren’t actually fattening. They were satisfying! It’s pretty important that food taste good. That’s your off switch. I had assumed mine was broken or missing, but I’d just short circuited it with rice cakes and chia seeds.
Today, I eat what I want, when I want and don’t worry about weight gain. I know from experience that in order to gain weight, I need to: eat quickly, eat mindlessly, eat with plenty of distractions, get too hungry, eat when not hungry, and eat past pleasant fullness. Not only that, but I need to consistently do most of those. Doing a few on occasion is normal and won’t affect my weight. I wish I could send this paragraph back in time to myself. I was worried about all the wrong stuff. The things that take up lots of brain space but don’t actually matter are: calorie math, glycemic index, protein grams, sodium, carb timing, good/bad foods, basically all the headlines on a women’s magazine or fitness blog.
The thing is, eating mindfully when hungry and stopping at satisfaction is a skill, one I didn’t possess when coming off of the diet roller coaster. It’s something you get good at with practice, but I wasn’t getting any practice when taking all of my food cues from external sources. Lean Habits helped tremendously with learning to listen to my body again and rebuilding self-trust. Then, Intuitive Eating and the Intuitive Eating Workbook were another big leap. But you can’t just read something, know it in your head, and now you’re “fixed.” That’s a trap. You read about a new way of being. You try it for a meal, or a day, or a week. You make a “mistake” and think, “Well, this may work for other people but it didn’t work for me.” The thing is, those other people who make it look easy have been practicing for ten weeks, or eight months, or five years. “Easy” is earned. They’ve made all he same “mistakes” but learned something valuable and kept going. It’s only in a black and white, all or nothing dieting mindset that any setback is proof it can’t work. I had that mindset. It kept me jumping from one diet scheme to another and kept the weight struggle alive.