Feeling Fullness

At the height of my eating disorder, I wanted to feel nothing. Feeling something, especially fullness in my belly, meant I had screwed up royally. Yet that's exactly what my body wanted - fullness, satisfaction, needs met. The feeling wasn't the problem. The feeling was perfectly normal and healthy. It was only my faulty associations that made it seem bad or that made me afraid. Other people had good associations with that exact same feeling. To them it felt like happiness, comfort, satisfaction after a good meal. Now it feels that way to me too. It's something I look forward to several times a day, something that I know helps me to stay happy, healthy, and lean. It allows me to totally forget about food rather than being painfully obsessed and experiencing strong urges to overeat. It wasn't the physical feeling that changed. Just my thoughts about it.

That thing where I'd get so hungry I was shaky and tired and yet still have a big debate: "Do I eat? Do I not eat? Am I feeling ok? Do I have a snack with me? Should I wait? Well, maybe I'll have this. No, that's too much. I'll have that. But it's not what I want. I'll wait. Ugh, no, I can't wait. I'm going to pass out. I'll make a sandwich. No, a sandwich is too filling. Maybe I should have some fruit. No, I need protein. I don't want protein. I want all those cupcakes. That's crazy. I can't have cupcakes. Gum. That's it. I'll have gum."

That stupid paralyzing chatter is gone forever. Eat until you have a happily full belly and food doesn't cross your mind at all for many hours, not until it's time to happily fill up your belly again. Fullness is like an off switch for the insanity. That makes it a very good thing in my book!